Today was not my day.
I was tired from staying up late the night before making a cake for one of Cody’s friends that I was told wasn’t needed until next week. Cody had the date wrong and I found out that it was needed today. I had to run and get everything we needed to make that happen and then bake and decorate the cake in one night. Nothing unusual as far as making a cake for someone goes but I was not mentally prepared to handle the stress of it. Baking sounds like it would be fun and relaxing but when you have 3 young boys running around wanting to help or wanting a bite, a house that could use a quick clean, laundry to do, and your plans get shaken up then it is just stressful.
The point of all of that previous paragraph was to get across that I was tired.
I had the cake set nicely in the fridge and wouldn’t let the boys near it. I started my day as normal. I fed the kids and picked up. I function better in a tidy space. It doesn’t have to be spotless by no means but a quick pick up every day keeps my mind clear. Today the house work was just not what I wanted to be doing. I stayed up late to finish the cake and Ky still wakes me 1 or 2 times a night to nurse and those dishes and the cake in the floor looked like a never-ending maze to me. I did what I needed to do to feel like I could function but just the bare minimum.
After going through the normal motions of the morning I sat down ready to make a grocery list then work on starting my school plan for Ezra this year. All the boys were nicely playing in the living room or watching a movie on Netflix so I could work on the things I wanted. A few minutes passed and I look up to make sure everything is still going well and notice I am missing a boy. Not unusual because of bathroom breaks or sometimes they take their toys and play on the table in the dining room.
I then proceed to just ask, “Yo where did you go buddy?” Then I hear the dreaded sound of the fridge door closing and his panicked little voice saying, “nothing.” I knew what had happened before I even made my way around the corner to see. I felt the panic inside me. I just started praying that he found his cake that I had set aside for the boys and not the one I needed to look perfect.
I open the fridge door and sure enough down the side of my perfectly ombred caked is a tiny finger swap and some smudging on the letters on top. I did not have time to make another one. My blood was boiling. I had told him that he wasn’t to get any cake and that he wasn’t allowed into the fridge today. We talked all evening yesterday how this cake was for our friend and the other cake was for him.
My mouth was fussing faster than my mind was thinking about what I was saying. By no means was I cussing out or calling my kid names but I wasn’t being pleasant with him. All I could do was talk about how mad and sad I was or that he was not a good boy and I wasn’t proud of what he did. I know I said these things like a million times as I made him make his way to time out. I am also pretty sure I just kept going as I did my best to save what damage had been done.
About half way through fixing the cake I looked up. There Yo was sitting in his time out chair with his hand on the table like I told him to do just sobbing. My heart fell to the floor. What had I said? What had I done? When he noticed me looking at him, he managed a “I’m sorry mommy” through his sobs. I started to cry.
I wasn’t crying about the stupid cake. I was crying because in the midst of my anger I broke a little piece of my boy’s spirit. The person who is suppose to build him up and protect him, pushed him down and hurt him. I felt smaller than the head of pin.
My breath stopped and I just froze as all of this came to light. I know it couldn’t have been more than a few seconds for this realization to fully play out in my head but in that moment it felt like forever. I didn’t even know where to start to fix the damage that had already been done. I know he did disobey and did something he shouldn’t have but he didn’t diserve this. He didn’t deserve to be tore down over a stupid cake.
I know I am not the only mom out there to ever get angry at their kid. I know I am not the only mom to say things she didn’t mean or didn’t mean to say. I know I am not the only mom to feel like she is failing at…. momming. BUT during this specific situation I felt like I was alone and the worst mother ever. (Thanks social media for givng unrealistic parenting standards.)
My parenting isn’t always on point. I often speak or act before I think and forgetting that my boys are just that, little boys. I don’t want my kids to grow up and have to heal from their childhood. I am sure I speak for every mother when I write that. No one wants to mess up their kids but sadly there are parents out there who do mess up their kids. #sorrynotsorry #weallknowitistrue
If you go and ask those who know me about my parenting you might get a varity of answers ranging from “Those boys don’t mind her at all” to “she let’s them eat McDonald so gross” to “those boys have to much TV time” to “those boys are being displined to much” to “she reads to those boys so much and they are really smart little men” to “she is such a wonderful mother”. At any given time I could accuratly resemble any of those statements in my mothering method. The thing is we are all just trying to figure it out as we go. Some days we win and others we try again tomorrow.
After seeing just how upset my words and reaction to the cake insident hurt Yo I sat back and took a big breath. This was not a proud moment for me. I checked in with myself and realized that cake was nothing when compared to my son’s heart. A heart that I broke and needed to fix.
I sat the cake to the side and got down in the floor on Yo’s level and just hugged him. I told him how sorry I was for my words. We talked about how he didn’t listen to mommy and that wasn’t good but accidents happen and him telling me he was sorry was all that could be done and he did really good in doing that. Yo is my emotional child too that wasn’t helping me not feel even worse. He cried a bit more during our hug and I did too. After all was calm and my head was clearer I fixed the cake and it may have even looked better than before. My boys and I sat down in the kitchen floor and enjoyed cake I made just for them.
Recently I have been using most of the time I get to myself (which isn’t much) to meditate. When Cody got home that evening he could tell by me tiered eyes that I was beat that day and sent me upstairs to gather myself and get in some meditation. The rest of the day went by normally and I felt a lot better after getting some me time in. During this particular meditation I let my mind wonder into the area of what I thought my weaknesses were as a parent, accepting them, and finding a way to help myself fix whatever the problem was. This day I am actually getting them typed out is a new day and my chance to work on myself and my parenting.
Any mom out there reading this please just know you don’t have to be perfect because no one is. Social media is a wonderful way to put a veil on motherhood and only show the good things but not the chaos that every parent goes through to get there. #imguiltyofthis I am one of the many mother’s out there just trying to raise her kids to be healthy loving adults one day without jacking it all up on the way there.